Not in a God, or an almighty being. I don't disbelieve, I just don't think there is an all-powerful director, or judge or giver or taker.
I believe in Magic and I believe in forces outside ourselves - though I'm not so sure we don't create the forces without knowing it.
Years ago I signed up for a class in which the instructor was to explain some of the wonders and questions of our universe. Aliens, the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts and such. It quickly became clear this man was a dud, hell bent on finding any reason to try to explain away every bit of intrigue in the universe. I stopped attending. What an old poop he was.
My second Newfoundland developed cancer. A tumor grew from the base of her nose and out her eye socket. She looked awful but she maintained her will to live. Shortly before she died, I took her to the coast for a few days after Christmas as the beach was where she was the most alive. She loved the water, the feel of the wind in her fur. Though she was slowing down, I tossed sticks several feet into the water for her and my good little water rescue girl would slowly wade out, grab the stick and return it to the safety of the shore.
One day we walked the downtown of a small coastal town, its tinsel and lights still displayed from the Christmas holiday. Eylah wasn't one to pick things up and carry them. Except for the sticks that she would rescue from their watery deaths, I never saw her carry an item around in our 7 1/2 years together.
But, as we walked down this street, she saw a yellow glitter-covered star which had apparently dropped from a Christmas display. Eylah bent down, picked it up and carried it through town. It was as though she was telling me that she knew she had a connection - that soon, she too would be a star. I lost my dear girl within 2 weeks of that day.
Yes, I believe that somehow we receive messages, if only we are aware. The messages may not be life altering but there is magic in them, nonetheless.
This week I am helping my mom die.
This morning, I opened the garage to find a storm had brought with it one simple scrap of what I first thought was trash. When I picked it up to throw it away, I realized it was something else entirely. The little scrap turned out to be a small plastic ghost which must have been blowing around the streets of town for months. I brought the ghost inside, wiped it off and keep it near my computer.
As I watch and care for my Mom through her last days here, I think someone has sent me a message that perhaps, we are not waiting alone.
I too strongly believe in signs. When we were helping care for my sister as she was dying from breast cancer in 2006 she told me that she was going to send us signs that she is safe and happy on the other side. The day after she passed her husband came home to their 3rd floor condo to find a wild bird fluttering around their condo (he'd left the patio door open as it was very hot). They had left that door open numerous times over the 8 years they lived there and had never even seen a bird on their deck before. This had great meaning as my sister loved birds and they had always had a pet bird until just before she passed away. She also had been talking about how important to her and how she was wanting a tattoo of one. As my brother in law approached the bird it just sat there calmly looking at him. Then he realized that the bird was perched on their wedding picture. The bird let him get within a foot of it before it gently flew over to the blanket that had been made for my sister by other breast cancer patients and that graced her lap whenever she was awake or in her wheelchair. It then flew out to the deck and perched on my sisters rose bush- her favorite colour of roses that was given to her by her hubby on their anniversary. It then flew gently away. A few days later my father received a phone call from someone who kept asking if Lisa was home. It was a wrong number but they called 3 times before they told my Dad sorry for disturbing him but they were trying to organize her 40th birthday celebration. This was especially poignant as my sister was determined to make it to her 40th birthday (she was a few months shy when she passed) and had me out shopping for party decorations four days before she passed away. My mother decided to plant a small memorial garden for my sister and went to the nursery. She found a variety of lavender that she loved (my sister's favorite flower) and when she pulled out the tag to see if there were any special planting instructions she saw that the variety was called Lisa Marie- my sisters exact first and middle names. And finally as I was getting ready to attend the memorial service I was digging around in my purse to find the pink ribbon I was going to wear and I found a quarter, a special edition one put out here in Canada with a pink ribbon on it. I had been trying to get one of these coins for months and hadn't found one yet. And yet there it was, in the bottom of my purse even though I always put my change in my change purse. So yes, I believe in signs. And while I'm not sure what I believe about the hereafter, I know she was telling us she was okay. Take comfort in the signs and anything else that soothes you.ReplyDelete