Sunday, December 5, 2010
Murdering the Bitch in the Box
She insisted I take her to New York City. Whether to see Broadway or the Statue of Liberty, I don't know.
I tend to believe she was evil to the core. That she knew a detour into our country's largest city would put me into traffic and bridge situations that would trigger a panic attack that could prove my demise.
So, I ignored her. But she kept up her nagging. "Turn here, right HERE!" she'd demand. She was some kind of high-maintenance nag - or more likely a clone to the townswoman in the Wizard of Oz who wanted Toto killed - the nasty Almira Gulch. Almira morphed into the Wicked Witch of the West, and see how that turned out! This chick was starting to really tick me off.
But, I had the steering wheel and she was the mere navigator. I ignored her. She continued her unrelenting annoying harping, then changed tactics, taking up passive aggression. In her role as copilot, she'd direct me to the wrong address late at night. Take me down long dirt driveways which, rather than ending at the home of a loving couple with Newfoundlands, presented a series of beat up trailers which were guarded by pit bulls. I could usually hear the strains of the theme song from Deliverance coming from within the depths of the compound.
I decided to kill the bitch. I'd had just enough of her and she was becoming a major liability.
She's gone now. I'll not hear any more from her. She's been replaced with Paolo. Paolo speaks Italian with a heavy accent. I don't understand much of what he says, but that is okay. He may be trying to send me off into major cities as well, but with his sexy voice and delivery, every time he tries to direct me off my plotted course, I imagine he is saying "Bella, why don't you turn off on this road? I know of a lovely little trattoria where we can stop for a bit of pasta and a nice glass of wine. Not there? Well, this road will take us to a little cafe with the finest cappuccino in the state."
"Oh, Bella - if you must follow your own directions, that is okay," Paolo will say. "I'll stick by you, no matter where you take us. I'm Italian and for Italians, it is about the journey and not the destination - unless the destination includes an excellent plate of pasta, wine and good friends."